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Today I was grumpy. I had another experience at church where it was the church machine in motion contrary to the relationships already formed and I was so pissed about it. It was like the more I reflected and the more I heard about the experience that I hadn't known previously, I got more pissed- it seemed to keep fueling my "Big church is Bad" fury.

I wrote an article to help get it off my chest. Didn't Help.
I got busy on a project around the house where I could use power tools and hammers. Didn't Help.
Got yelled at by my wife. Finally helped.

See, I was trying to be Martin Luther. I was trying to fight the big church machine and spread the word about the misplaced values of institutional church all by myself. I was moping around all day and last night just getting more pissed about it all. I'm one guy and the problem is pervasive. I had the weight of the world (well, the church) on my shoulders and I was feeling like I was about to get crushed.

So my wife is asking me why I'm so upset and why I'm internalizing this whole thing and making it personal. She kept asking me what was wrong and I had TONS in reply. I knew all kinds of things that were wrong. She kept asking me why, if I don't care about church, does this bother me so much... If I really didn't care about it it wouldn't bother me, I'd just be moving on.

I realized that I don't give a rat's ass about the Institutional Church, but when I thought about specific people (4 very specific people kept coming to mind), I couldn't bear not being around them. I wanted to know them more and learn more about the Jesus in them so I could get more of that part of Jesus in me. I didn't want to contribute to the Institutional church, but I also couldn't give up on my allegience to the Kingdom. I was in one hell-hole of a quandry.

Then she finally said, "You're moping around the house being grumpy and writing your articles... but you've ignored your kids all day and for what? What good is it doing."

Holy Frickin' Crap. My wife is a genius.

What good had it done? I've been so worried about what injustices I see in the Institutional Church that I have just been spending time railing against that instead of just being an agent of justice in the community. I've been so pissed about the ridiculous churchy bullcrap because it doesn't get any good done in the world and I realized that my bitching and moaning about the whole thing isn't doing anything good in the world either.

I'm just as much a distracted religious ass to people outside of my conversations as anyone contributing to the Big Church Machine. My life is just as ineffective to the poor and broken as the other people still trying to drag their friends to church for the Sunday Morning Show. Nobody outside the church knows I really want to live and love like Jesus did because I go to the same dang show every week with all the church people. I just go to figure it all out instead of to enjoy it. I'm probably less use to the kingdom than the most church-inbred choir member in the whole body.

I'm a frickin' hypocrite. There's a whole lumber mill in my eye.

So I'm not going to obsess about my distressed love affair with the Institutional Church anymore. I'm dumping her for good. I know I'll see her around my real dream, the body of Christ... but I can't let my distaste for the Institutional church get in the way of me being the real church. Not only to the people outside the church, but to those inside the system, too.

In the last week I've heard 2 people say remarkably similar things. One guy, a Methodist minister, was talking about someone who he respected that was helping him deal with the "denominational question" when he was in seminary. This friend told him that he had grown up in the Methodist church and that it was who "raised him" in the faith, even though it wasn't perfect. He said, speaking figuratively about the church, "I love my mom, but she's a whore." I definitely don't take the church to "mom" level personally, but I do see his point.

The second thing was a catholic priest defending Catholicism against some guy saying the Catholic church was the "whore of Babylon" mentioned in Revelation, and the church was the "Bride of Christ." The catholic guy responded by saying "Exactly right on both counts. The church IS the whore of Babylon and the bride of Christ. She's both simultaneously."

Seems to be a lot of whore talk here about the church... but then again, that's the only way I'll fit in. I'm just a broken down, used up whore myself. Maybe this is the mark of a new beginning. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow morning. Right now it's all flowing by too fast to catch it all.

I DO have a renewed commitment to NOT contributing to the institutional church, but also to not make her same mistake: To selectively love and serve people based on thier church involvement. I'm going to be committed to the people I feel God wants me to connect with whether they're part of the institutional church or not. If that means shaking up the institution with a revolution of Grace, then bring it on. I know it will piss off religious people- but crap, that won't be anything new for me. I'm just going to use a softer hammer.

I'm going to try to fight this battle more with love and deed than in word this year... That's my New years' resolution.


Let's see if I can make it to February.