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So I was watching this show on TV where this group of women are all living together in this house and trying to change their lives. They each had a counselor, and they lived together in this house and tried to work on their problems individually and as a group (I know, it was bad reality TV about counseling- I admit I watched it). The show I watched was about a girl who used to be a stripper and was trying to change her life. Her counselor said her problem was that she was a "hustler," and that she "hustles" people all the time to manipulate them into giving her what she wanted. That's pretty much the job description for a stripper- make a man feel like he's special to you so he tips well. So she had some old habits she had to change to break that mold.

So on this show the counselor gave her a challenge. She had two fishbowls. One had a small pile of poker chips in it. The other one was empty. The goal was for the girl to do nice things for her roommates- to help them any way she could without expectation of repayment. When she did an unselfish act, she could move a chip from one bowl to the other. Her goal was to move all the chips by the end of the day.

One of the other girls in the house (who was her roomate and counseling "partner") sensed that the hustler girl wasn't really sincere in wanting to help, and kind of resented it. So she really resisted letting the girl help- which made the girl get pushy about helping and frustrated when she wasn't allowed to help. Tensions between the two steadily rose and of course there was a lot of drama and the counselors got involved and there was this big group session where everyone talked about it. Hustler girl got a little correction and a little group encouragement and now it was the group's turn to take a huge pile of chips, and move it from bowl to bowl for her when she did something that was nice or helpful or selfless.

But at the end of the session, hustler girl was still broken. She was crying and sad and felt like crap. Then her roommate came up and talked to her one on one. Hustler girl said she still didn't feel like she knew what to do or how to act. Roomate girl said that it was OK, and that old habits are hard to break and that she would be her friend and help her; but she has to be honest about her feelings and motivations because people can smell fake a mile away. Hustler girl was still crying and didn't know what to do, but I sensed that she at least didn't feel alone or broken. I sensed that she received from her roomate a sense of belonging and an understanding about what it means not to want to hustle someone, rather than simply not to hustle them.

Like you, I'm sure, all this made me think of ecclesiology.

I was talking to someone lately who sees a counselor. She was explaining how she hates it when she goes in and at the end of the session she doesn't feel like she's learned anything about herself or solved any of her problems. She also hates it when the counselor doesn't give her something specific "to work on" for the week. Her favorite sessions are when the counselor says something like, "You're doing this.., and you need to change that behavior. It's counter-productive." and closes with something like "This week, you need to focus on doing this."

I asked her how long she's been going to counseling and she said "Forever." I must have given a look that revealed I was a little suprised at her answer and she added, "I feel like that's how long I'll need to go, too... forever."

I imagine that's not her counselor's goal for her. Even though the counselor probably makes a lot of money when patients come back, I bet more than the money the counselor likes to tell someone they can handle it themselves and they don't need to keep coming back. I'll bet that good counselors are more stoked about a former patient than a consistant one.

In another conversation, I was talking to a friend about bible studies/small groups. We were talking about what we were looking for from a small group and what we felt we needed right now.

My friend wanted a study that was a lot more like a counseling session. He wanted a feeling at the end of the session that he had learned someting specific, and that he had a "challenge" that he could take into the week to come (a specific action he could take to demonstrate what he learned). The primary goals for my friend was learning about the Bible (God's Word) and learning how to live more like Christ (a "challenge"). To sum it up neatly, he said, "I want to learn about God, and I want to know what I can do to live more like Him." I knew what he was talking about because I used to feel the same way and want the same things.

I explained that I was looking more for a study that was similar to an evening out with my wife. My goal isn't to learn anything specific about my wife, but to know her more. Sometimes this comes from learning about things she's been through in her past- but we've covered a lot of that already. I already have a basic understanding of where she's come from. There's a deeper relationship developing now where we talk about our feelings, how we might react to hypothetical situations, or how we feel about current events. But sometimes out with my wife, I come away with more questions than answers, developing a wonder and awe and a loving curiosity about what makes my wife tick. She says something that I don't quite understand fully and I can't even properly form the right questions to ask her more about it; and I think about the conversation for the week (or month, or year, or decade... women can be confusing creatures).

And I guess I started drawing parallels to my friend's desires for a bible study. I knew I wanted knowledge of God over knowledge about God, but I didn't know what I wanted over "challenges." If knowledge of God replaced knowledge about God, what replaced the "what I can do to live more like Him" part? I thought maybe I was not wanting to grow really- like being spiritually lazy. But when I looked at parallels in my relationship with my wife and friends, it became clear. With my wife and closest friends, I can see character traits that I wish I had more of. For example, my wife is very hospitable. Spending time with my wife doesn't create a "challenge" for me, but it helps me compare her character and motivations with my own. It doesn't make me think about what I can do to be more hospitable, but rather I examine my character and just knowing her and living with her helps me become more hospitable. This is another time that some people might accuse me of arguing semantics, but I believe that the difference between religion and relationship with God lies within the subtle nuance. I can be hospitable on the outside, doing the right things, without becoming hospitable and having it come naturally. My time with my wife changes my character, not just my behavior. Some might argue that you sometimes have to do it on the outside first until it sinks in, like "Fake it 'till you make it." But it didn't work for the pharisees, and Jesus called them "whitewashed tombs" for doing it.

So I thought about this and kind of meditated on it for a couple days. I thought about the fact that Jesus tells us that he will send us a counselor, the Holy Spirit, to guide us in our lives. I thought about how the bible also says that we are also the Bride of Christ, in this amazing love affair with the God of the universe. God is our Father and friend, our Lord and lover, our Judge and justifier. He corrects and courts us, leads us and loves us, He rebukes and restores us. (Holy crap, if I illiterate another word I think I'll have to start a megachurch.) He doesn't want us to learn about him like a historical figure- reading the biograpy, knowing the stats, quoting smart stuff he said- he wants us to know him like we know our best friends and our spouse. Knowledge of people we aren't in relationship with must rely on reading about them, and learning as much as we can about things they did or said- it's about filling our head with knowledge. Knowledge of people we are in relationship with must rely on spending time with them, sometimes without words or knowledge of their history or thoughts- it's about filling our hearts with love.

I fear that our bible studies have been formed in a way that encourages people to to study God like a historical figure- it's sort of a detached, "professional" relationship with someone we admire rather than an attached, personal relationship with someone we love. I can't do that anymore. I've met the real Jesus and he's not historical or detached. He's alive, he loves me, and he wants me to be comfortable enough with him to just share my life with him. I don't have to be constantly pandering to him like Wayne and Garth before Alice Cooper saying "We're not worthy!" He wants me to believe him when he says he no longer calls me servant but "friend"- and therefore, to enter in to relationship with him that means I can be honest, open, and give him a noogie when the opportunity presents itself. Someone might say I'm being disrespectful or irreverent to talk that way, not taking Jesus serious enough. I have to wonder if we take religion too seriously, but Jesus not serious enough when he calls us friend, brother, or bride. My friends get noogies. My sister gets wedgies. My wife gets ice down the pants. All these things happen because we have a relationship.

I was too busy in bible studies, church meetings, "leading worship" and doing church to ever just spend time with him and get to know him. Things that I once thought holy feel empty, and things that once felt mundane feel divine. Something's shifted and I don't have to go to church or study my bible to find Jesus, I've just found he's with me all the time. I've shifted from seeking and growing to knowing and resting. And this shift makes me read the bible more, pray more, want to fellowship more- not because I want to get closer to Jesus, but because I am closer to Jesus.

I've always talked about a personal relationship with Jesus, but I don't think I ever knew what that meant until recently.